Originally written in January 2017.
I can’t begin to write about my most recent travel experiences (my second trip to Japan, subsequent flights to Hong Kong and Singapore, and various road trips around California) without talking about my partner, who has been my constant travel companion for the past five months.
Just to warn you, this is a love story - a kind of crazy one, the kind of story that I would barely have been able to imagine possible in August of last year, and as such, I can’t make any promises that it won’t be gross (sorry, not sorry).
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I met Justin on Tinder in September of last year, six days after moving from LA to San Francisco.
Moving to San Francisco came at the end of a crazy summer, in which I moved out of my studio apartment to live on a sailboat, then moved again to live in a short-term apartment rental in Las Vegas (to be closer to my team at an online marketing company), and then again (more permanently) to SF, where my mom was living. After 8 years of living in LA and that short stint in Vegas, I was ready for a change. Moving to a new city and being closer to my mom were two things I felt like I needed to do, and it didn’t hurt that I work in the tech industry and felt immediately at home in the Bay Area.
It took me just under 8 hours to make the drive from LA to San Francisco, with my cat, all my stuff that wasn’t in storage, and the American Gods audiobook. After that, it took me just under 24 hours to hit Tinder. I knew almost no one in SF, and Tinder had proven itself to at least help pass the time when I was alone in Vegas.
I came across Justin’s profile on a particularly lonely evening. When I look back, it’s almost scary how close I was to left-swiping him. For starters, his long blonde hair… not my usual type. As I continued flicking, I saw that his photos included a picture of his car, a silver Tesla, and car photos on a dating profile had always been a left swipe-able offensive in my book.
But despite this, I was lonely. I remember reading his bio, and I think it was something about the way he parsed his words and sentences that I found pleasant. It came across as thoughtful and endearing. I flicked through the rest of his photos and found one of him cuddling his cat, which was cute enough to redeem him for the car pic. I remember hovering over the app for a few minutes before deciding to swipe right (I’m always a selective swiper), and the next morning we were a match.
I won’t bore you with too many early details, except that we chatted on the app all night and met up for drinks the following evening. I was nervous. I got tipsier than I should have, and halfway through the night, I admitted that I had to take a pain killer for my period cramps, blushing and apologizing if I seemed out of it. We were both sort of drunk and laughed about it in the back seat of an Uber. We went to get hookah, then had dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Indian place. He didn’t try to kiss me but made sure to book the next date (two days later) before we parted ways. Astonished by how smitten I was, I agreed.
A week later I had to fly out to Vegas for a work trip, and he flew out to join me. We’d been on four dates at that point and were already missing each other. A few weeks later, he flew to Vegas to be with me again, for yet another work trip. He was with me when I found out I might be getting laid off, holding my hand and reassuring me. And in between those trips, when we weren’t hanging out at his place, we would take short road trips. These were always spontaneous, just the way I liked it. On one such trip, we ended up in Monterey, where we stayed in a beautiful hotel suite with a balcony perched right above the ocean. We took luxurious baths, wore fluffy white robes, and watched otters and seals playing in the Pacific Ocean. He asked me if I had ever been in love. We were in the bath, and I remember averting my gaze, staring down at the bubbles. I already knew I was falling for him.
Whenever I’m feeling uncertain about my future, I like to use that as an opportunity for travel. Justin had talked about business he needed to go to Japan for, which happens to be one of my favorite destinations. It was a good time for me to get out of the country, so I told him I planned on going with or without him. He decided to come with.
—
Two months and a handful of days after right-swiping each other on Tinder, we were sitting next to each other on a Japan Airlines flight, from SFO to HND (Haneda Airport, in Tokyo). Some people asked if I was sure I felt comfortable traveling with a new boyfriend or asked what would happen if we fought or got sick of each other. Our trip was 26 days long - plenty of time and opportunity to fight, and I made a point of bringing that up before we left. We hadn’t had a real fight yet, and I was nervous about its inevitability. I wondered how we would both react, especially in such a foreign environment, with the unique kind of stress and intimacy that comes with travel.
Fortunately, that first weekend in Tokyo was a dream. We landed at about 6 pm Friday night, then ended up at a bar/nightclub owned by one of his business partners. We drank champagne and 21-year-old whiskey, all on the house, then had authentic Japanese noodles at 3 am. Afterward, we returned to our Airbnb, which was much less glamorous in contrast. It was a $55/night bachelor apartment in Akasaka, but central to everything and comfortable. Neither of us had any complaints.
After that weekend in Tokyo, we headed to Kyoto, one of my favorite cities in the world. I insisted that we had to go there while in Japan, and promised Justin that he would love it. It was in Kyoto, with me sick from travel and him lost in his head, that we had our first real fight. I can’t remember what it was about, but it culminated with me accidentally knocking a full wine glass into the wall at an expensive Japanese restaurant. Both of us laughed.
We went to sleep right after dinner but woke up around 5 am with jet lag still in full force. We lay next to each other in the darkness, squeezed together tightly in one of the twin-sized beds that furnished our apartment. Justin looked at me, apologizing for being so stuck in his head the day before. He admitted he’d been thinking about something all day, but was scared to tell me. It was, of course, that he loved me. I told him I’d been scared to tell him, too. I remember watching the sunrise from our window that morning, a view I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
But of course, that wasn’t our last fight on the trip. Just two days later we got into a fight at Nara Park, about something so stupid I can’t even think back on it without laughing. Then a week later we had a fight in Hong Kong, about the accommodations I’d booked for us. The affordable Mini Hotel that had great reviews online was a total letdown, and Justin, finally getting sick himself, couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep there. That was probably one of the worst fights we’ve had, but we reconciled by the time we got to our new hotel.
My point is not to emphasize all the times that we fought, but how important those experiences were. When we were in Nara, I didn’t know how to react when he acted hurt and frustrated with me. My first impulse was to get hurt back and walk away from him, a vestige of unhealthy relationships from my past. Turns out, my walking away just made him even more hurt and confused. I explained that I didn’t know how to act in situations like that, and we talked it out.
Extensive travel with a new partner is a truly unique method of dating. It’s like a crash course in getting to know someone, with everything coming out at once - how your partner reacts to stress, how good they are at adapting to unexpected circumstances, how they treat you in those situations, how compatible your temperaments are when you’re stuck on a redeye flight or uncomfortable train ride… the list goes on and on. You also get a lot of opportunities to talk and learn about each other’s pasts, conversations that can be painful, healing, and more raw and honest when emotions are high from all the amazing experiences you’re sharing together.
Is it risky? I imagine so. I didn’t hesitate to book my trip with Justin since we already spent so much of our time together and it felt right. My only advice to others would be to do what feels comfortable, trust your gut, and stay communicative with your partner before and during the trip. Be sure to talk about what you’re flexible on while traveling and what are deal-breakers for you, and discuss who will be paying for what. Doing shorter domestic trips before leaving the country probably helps, too.
After seeing a lot of Japan, Hong Kong, and spending several days lounging poolside in Singapore, Justin and I ended our trip at the Sunnide Resort in Fuji Kawaguchiko. It was the perfect way to wind down before flying home, in a traditional Japanese resort with a private outdoor bath facing Mount Fuji. Waking up together to a view of the fog clearing off the mountain was nothing short of a fairy tale.
As Justin likes to say, “love is something you share” - and what we’ve shared so far has been extraordinary. I had never traveled internationally with a partner before him, and I can’t wait for us to do it again soon.
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